Let me preface this with: I am no fool. I know I am not alone. I know I am deep loved and wonderfully made. This is no pity party.

Lately in my most quietest of nights within my head and heart, I am lonely.

Listening to beautiful music, letting my candles burn their wicks dry, I lay on my floor and let my mind wander.

It wanders to and fro, and back again.

And in my aloneness, I am sometimes struck by just how lonely I am.

Not lonely for friends, but lonely for a bud to come home to.

to know and be known.

It's not in worriment that I am lonely. I am quite content with my life and the moment.

just that desire that I have deep down, That's God-made.

It's what I keep to myself and try my darndest to not let anyone see, let alone myself.

Seeing it, feeling it, leaves open room for vulnerability and exposure that I don't want anyone to touch. So I seal it up real good. With layers of busyness and work.

But In moments of realness, with the aid of lovely music and candles that smell like fall, I am reminded of what's really there.

Loneliness.

The type that there's no healthy cure for. So I will just sit and wait for this feeling to pass. as it always does.

My Ma.

Sometimes it just takes a few things set in motion for me to go on an overload of over-analysis that typically leads to a zig-zag of emotions, self doubt, and without a doubt- over complicating every decision I make in my current state.

Hence my current place. Well- my current place up until about twenty minutes ago.

Sometimes all it takes to bring you back to cold hard reality is a voice of reason. Reason that goes beyond my doubt. Reason that extends passed my yo-yo emotions and complex rationale. The exact voice that I used to run from for most of my life. The Voice I fought listening to day-in and day-out. But, Now I find it's this voice I run to in times of a meltdown or in times I need a good cry. Both of which were the case when I called earlier this evening.

So here is to my Mother. The most hard headed , stubborn, antagonistic woman I have ever known. Also the most generous, loving, kind, big-hearted, wise-beyond-my-measley 23 years- Woman I know. You Have taught me how to be a grown ass woman. One that is strong, courageous, and sassy just like you. I am proud to call you my own forever.

The past month has been full of heavy news.

My great grandma passed away.

My friend from highschool's dad passed away quickly from aggressive cancer.

One of my friends from Redding suffered a brain aneurism and is @ UCSF getting surgery/treated and will probably never live the same life again.

....and I can't help but be broken by the news. Each time. It's just heavy. My heart grieves for those even more directly and immediately affected by these terrible life circumstances. It's like sitting back with tape over your mouth, hands tied behind your back not being able to move, speak, act. You just sit, watch and receive because you have control over nothing.

It's terrible because you can do nothing to save the situation. You just feel helpless and sad. Sad for what has happened. Sad for the loss. Sad for others and how they're feeling. I know to some degree (like my Grandma) it's just the cycle of life.

But what about those gone too soon? or those affected by tragedy out of nowhere? I am not looking for answers or a place to blame.

More so, spurred on to a place of memory. Memory of my Grandma spending every birthday, holiday and random weekends with all five of us kids. Memories of riding along with my mom to run errands with/for my grandma to Mervyns and Gottchalks. The smell of her house, and the (gross smelling) plants outside her house. The trips to the drive thru dairy to get her milk, eggs, and soft serve ice cream of course. The Pochahantas Pajamas she bought me when I was little that I wore till the seams were bursting and the colors were stained with dirt.

Memory of my friends dad. Him laughing at how ridiculous and dramatic we were as middle schoolers. Him loving his daughter and son so much.

Memory of my friend Seth. Many memories shared around a smoke or two, couple of cocktails, a light-up-hoola hoop, and Franks place.

All in all, I am filled with gratitude for life, but also a heaviness of loss. Regardless of the degree, it is felt. And it makes me weep.

So for now, Instead of logic, I will turn to feeling. because it's been so long since I've felt anything.

Yikes!

It's been a month since my last post.

not my intention...just been in the middle of moving and had no internet until tonight!

So quick updates, no heavy post tonight. I am still processing some things that will be up as soon as I finish....

I moved! To southeast Portland. And I love it. A cute little studio right off Hawthorne. It's perfect size for one. I am still finishing up with decorative touches- but all is well, and finally situated/unpacked. I have really enjoyed exploring my new neighborhood and walking around alot more.

I also started running. By running I mean more so jogging...but it has been wonderful nontheless. It is an activity I have thought about picking up for some time, and finally one morning I just started doing it. And have done it every other morning so far. It was spurred on by no other motivation but myself (maybe out of boredom, maybe out of dissatisfaction with my body, maybe even because it gives me something to do). To run feels good, and the burn and the sweat just feels good. Relieves stress both physically and mentally. clears my head. I don't really know what will come of it- and I don't really know if I have an end goal in mind (like running a 5k or losing 15 more pounds), at this point it's just enjoyable. Not a chore, but something I almost look forward to. I know what to expect. I know I can do it and commit to it consistently, so hey- why not?!

I am currently in the middle of my grad school application...it's all filled out and partially submitted- I am just finishing writing my essays. I dreaded starting them for a solid two weeks- but now as I've begun writing, I forgot how much I oddly enjoy that challenge. Using that part of my brain to form and express critical thought has been great.

anyways- these are all the updates I have at the top of my brain...hope you all that read are doing real well. much love and thought to you all.

K

Relationships.

Lately, I find myself viewing everything in life relationally. Of course theres the objective & subjective points of view- but I find that I have been coming to decisions, making choices, acting from a place that is provoked not completely by mind, matter or heart but rather from a place that thinks of all things in relation.

More specifically, in regards to the fall, sin, Adam & Eve. How it started within the trinities relation with one another reflected in Adam & Eve as a pair. How that relation was broken and how we as humans keep trying to get back to The garden of Eden, where that relation was pure and perfect. Because sin is more than an act. Sin isn't a list of mess ups or wrong doing- Sin is about breaking a relationship with your creator. Breaking that perfect bond held between two beings who had an eternity to live in the presence of complete and perfect goodness- shattered in the greatest mess up of all time.

When sin is thought of as a relational offense, the weight and burden of it becomes so much more than a "woops". It becomes less about being bad and more about breaking my Fathers Heart.

In these raw moments of the stark realization of what Sin is in my life, I am reminded That the Holy Spirit in me is Good, that By Grace I am made new and redeemed by its sole power alone. That through Christs atonement, I am able to experience a tiny peek of what the Garden of Eden is truly like. And it makes me look forward to the day when I will get to fully experience and walk alongside God. So amidst Adam & Eves eff up- I am filled with an overflowing hope in the future and a complete gratitude for forgiveness- both in heaven and on earth. Because when it comes down to it- that relational thread is what is holding us all together. It's what reminds us of our humanity and our place in the world. It reminds me of how much I'm forgiven and the weight of the cross.

It is because the breaking of the relationship I am lost, But by the redemption of the relationship that I am found.

The Heart & The Mouth

In the middle of reading the book of Proverbs right now.

Seasoned throughout are so many references pertaining to the heart and how it's related to the mouth. Diverse imagery is scattered throughout each chapter that makes it hard to stop reading. I have been catapulted into a flow of thought regarding the matter and have been humbled by the Holy Spirit.

It is no surprise to me that from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks- however seeing in Proverbs how deeply intertwined we see wisdom paralleled with a pure and right heart is something I can deny no longer. What is in my heart will show fruition through my words.

Thinking of these revealed nuggets of truth causes me to think relationally. Are my words life giving or death dealing? In context of Proverbs, it is that Black & White.

Proverbs 10:17-20 "He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray...the tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value". It is by and through the Holy Spirit that we are disciplined and life giving- by and through the Spirit that we are given wisdom.

Proverbs 11:13 "A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret"

Proverbs 12:23 "A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart blurts out folly". Again, from the overflow of the mouth...the heart is revealed. Fools spew out evil that's in their hearts.

Proverbs 16:21-23 "The wise in heart are called discerning and pleasant words promote instruction. understanding is a fountain of life to those who have it, but folly brings punishment to fools. A wise man's heart guides his mouth and his lips to promote instruction". Here we see again- the Wise in heart tied together with discipline and discernment.

By words, we can give life. We can edify people and encourage them. Pleasant words are sweet to the soul and healing to the heart. A deceitful and impure tongue crushes the spirit.

So, I repent from the death dealing words I have spoken to and over people. Apart from The Spirit, I am and will always be a deceitful and un-right fool. My God is truly Mighty to Save.

I want to be known as a trustworthy, wise and life giving woman who speaks in purity to the lives I touch.

Heart is Hard to Find

Lately, I have been re-sensitized to the brokenness of humanity. Literally- my heart breaks over almost everything I see. More specifically, the direct effects of said brokenness reflected in relationships...but all of this observation really just makes me hold up a mirror to myself and see my brokenness.

Literally it's crippling at how dysfunctional I am. And how over and over again, I am burdened by the heaviness of my broken nature. How it manifests itself as loneliness in my life and brings so much darkness. But out of this darkness I always come, because I am marked by the beloved and am gently reminded of a love so unconditional. That I have been forgiven and redeemed.

And at the same time as this, I am captivated by the presence of God and it's overwhelming. To be in the pure presence of complete goodness, beauty and truth and yet still fully aware of your brokenness is the most intense emotion I have felt in the longest time.

In this experience I feel as though I am having open heart surgery with no anesthesia. That I am completely raw and open and it hurts. It hurts but it hurts in an overwhelmingly good way. To feel completely stripped and vulnerable while at the same time being loved fiercely and unconditionally is almost unfathomable for my human capacity. It leaves me breathless and sure does leave me speechless for a long while.

"But I say, walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the Flesh". Galatians 5:16

The Spirit and the flesh cannot coexist with one another. I am called to freedom. I must walk in The Spirit.