Portland updates. October 2010

PORTLAND.

so far, so good.

for every day Im here, I do not doubt my decision to move.

it was for the best...but some days are better than others...

at nights like this I rely on music to express...

good, but still reflective. You know, i expected to radically get over stuff. for it to be an epiphany moment- where I am released to move on...surely as quickly as people have done.. but it hasn't come. and as months have moved forward, i have realized it wont be like that for me. I invested my life the past four years, how can I imagine it to just blink away. it will be a day by day thing. years, days, minutes, invested in a life. how cant i expect it to flee from me so easily? It haunts me. everyday.

no epiphany. no instantaneous change. just a gradual healing of my heart. above all else, i will choose Joy.

I am blessed. I have transitioned so well into my new home. my new workplace. I work with Rad girls...and I LOVE it. but things still beckon my heart... like Haiti. i dont want to look back on my life 5 years from now and regret 'staying around for a job' just to work my way up. I want to obey. i want to follow the call. wherever it may lead. I want to be healed. I want to be whole. however long it may take. I will not ignore and deflect from this past year no longer.

oh woops.

It's been almost 2 months since my last post. Rather than explain...heres a list of life updates by month.

March:

-celebrated tons of friends and families birthdays. big ups to all the march babies! (including myself. no big deal)

-my roomate kyle unexpectedly had to move out. he's been really sick the past 7 months and they finally figured out why. turns out he's highly allergic to mold. and apparently our apartment is mold city. gross and sad.

-because of the aforementioned, my plans changed. instead of moving straight to portland come June, I had to defer that plan because my finances and a job were not in order...so i am moving back to brentwood for a shorter rather than longer period of time to get stuff together before moving up north. wise decision on my part.

- became addicted to gossip girl.

- started abbreviating everything. well, as much as poss. I've found most people warm up to this or absolutely hate it. Personally, I love it. It spices up my days. I also found those closest around me started to abbrev things too. totes love it!

April:

- finished the season of lent. loved every second of it. such an amazing season of reflection...really preparing my heart and mind to celebrate the real meaning of easter- Christ's victory over death. (even though this is something I strive to remember daily, it is just a powerful season following my guidebook to prayer)

-been searching around the bay area as well as the portland/seattle area for job opportunities with MAC... found a lead in portland..so I'm hoping something turns out there!

-been on the grind with school. non-stop. I am so fried right now. ready for a breather

-been dreaming God's dreams for my life. Almost daily God reminds me of the great plans he has for me...

-really really family-sick. instead of home-sick, I'm family-sick. I miss each one of them TERRIBLY and cannot wait for family reunion here in a week for my graduation..

- oh yah. I'm graduating from college in a week and a half. May 1st 2010!

May:

- may 2nd-5th: portland

-May 5th-11th: dallas (one of my bests from growing up is flying me out to texas for a week as a grad. present... I am so stoked!)

Stay up. Stay Golden. Stay Posse.

Love you all.

P.S. Redding, you have been SO good to me.

You will never get away from the sound...

Why is it that music always seems to touch the soul?

Speaks to places unspoken to in years. Delivers in perfect lyric what you really think but can't seem to muster up in your own words?

It's timeless. Universal. It expresses human nature in every way. It has the ability to bridge together people, places and things or tear them apart; affirming the inevitable.

It seems as though when nothing else tangible can get you through a day, music is there...moving you to some place. A place of defeat or a place of greater purpose.

Lent: Day 3

1st Corinthians 4:4-5

"My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore, judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in the darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God"

I read this in my guide to prayer book this morning. The Holy Spirit sure is convicting and leads me in the ways he knows best. amen for that.

Season of Lent.

Today begins the season of lent and marks my 3rd year taking part in this practice of liturgy.

There was something about this morning as I was reading that made the words of repetition extra beautiful. Today the power of Christ's words over took me.

The power of the living word. The power of God's character. The love of the Father, the grace of the Son and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. The power of who God is in my life and over my life. the ability he has to remind me to the core of who I am, the greatness he has called me to.

It's days like these, when I relish in God's power that I find my way back home. I am his beloved.

It's days like these that I relinquish my attempts at controlling my life, and let the Spirit lead me willingly.

It's days like these that I dream.

Golden Rule.

as you grow up and life bombards you with puzzling questions, deepening thoughts and complicated relationships, i find myself at times overwhelmed with so much. so much to think through, so much to feel out.

I find so often, people act out of feeling rather than logic. they let their imaginations take over, take them to a different place; a scary or dreamy place. a place where reality cannot intrude with it's awakening powers. In this time of thinking about life's complexity, i wonder where the simplicity has gone.

as adults, we over-think, over-analyze to the point of neuroses. we think to all extents- we take into account all the what if's, and possibilities our imaginations can muster up. we mix our logic with our imagination, and pretty soon; we don't know which is which.

the other day, i was thinking through these questions, thoughts and relationships and something hit me. nothing new to me- but something so simple. a value that says so little, but says it all. a value that weighs heavily upon me and one i realized has been the backbone for so many things throughout my entire lifetime.

you know, the golden rule. the rule that says, "treat others as you'd like to be treated".

there will always be unanswered questions i have, and mysteries that will remain. relationships will still be complicated. None of these things i can control past a certain point. it's not even about controlling those things; it is about treating other people and things as i would want to be treated. I can control myself, my tongue, my actions and i will not use them to hurt or destroy another human being. I will not give in to my imagination, but live in reality. I will not retaliate, but be above reproach.

this is what integrity looks like to me. Having integrity with yourself, and having integrity with others.

Stay up, Stay Golden

love you all

New.

New semester, new beginnings, new year.

welcome to 2010 ladies and gentlemen. With the newness that each year brings, I find myself dreaming again. Dreaming of what lies ahead, what I want to pursue, where I should go after I graduate etc. etc.

It's a new semester in school, which also so happens to be my last semester of my undergraduate pursuits. I graduate May 1st 2010, which is a bittersweet feat to come to. I will come to this day only by the aide of professors who have spent years pouring into me knowledge and wisdom, by friends who have stood by and supported me and by family that has called out the greatness that is within me. I look forward to celebrating with great relief that 4 years of hard work and study are complete.

New beginnings. I don't really know what I mean by this, other than maybe this year will entail some? maybe a move, maybe a new job, maybe some new travels or new friends...we'll see.

I do have some goals (no, not resolutions) that I'd like to come by in the next 5 (or so) years...

-travel to 2nd and 3rd world countries and work in women's clinics. more rehabilitative clinics dealing with sustainable development, education, medical relief and of course discipleship.

- get my masters in social work

- move to a new city/place

- get a dog. specifically a basset hound (named jupiter) and/or an english bulldog (named Sofia Loren)